Tuesday, August 2, 2011

You Know You Travel Too Much If...

You’re on a plane and you’re bored… you can’t bear the thought of starting another book, and apparently there’s no movie or audio connection!  What do you do?!  Well, I don’t know what YOU do, but I did this (a few years ago):

You know you travel too much when:
1.    You know that 311 means 3oz liquid bottle in a 1 quart bag and only 1 per person
2.    You don’t “want to get a pad and pen and write this down” because you know where you parked (…at the East Economy, Road Runner lot, Garage B, Level 4, Row D)
3.    You get your laptop and 311 bag out before you’ve even gotten to the front of the line to show the TSA guy your ID
4.    You have ever wondered why the stalls in airport bathrooms aren’t wider than average
5.    You know that oxygen masks will fall from overhead and that you need to fully extend the rubber tubing to start the flow of oxygen (oh, and breathe normally – right, THAT’S how I’ll be breathing)
6.    You’ve ever paid a bill late because your money is on hold by 2 hotels and 3 rental car companies in 4 different states across the country
7.    You find yourself volunteering knowledge to random strangers about airline terminals, shuttle bus stops and luggage carousel protocol
8.    You laugh when travel virgins try to slam an overhead shut on their gigantic suitcase and then have their bag wheeled away to gate check anyway
9.    You have ever used the term travel virgin
10. You’ve figured out what jargon such as pushback, cross checks and all calls are
11. You can tell when you’ve begun your initial descent before its announced
12. You know that when the first chime rings after takeoff it means you’ve reached 10,000ft and use of approved portable electronic devices is now permitted
13. When you adjust the recline of the driver’s seat in your car, this runs through your head: “please return your seatbacks and tray tables to their fully upright and locked positions” (no?!  just me?!)
14. You have ever recognized a flight crew member from a previous trip
15. You only know the official name of your home airport, the rest are just 3-letter codes
16. You have ever had trouble asking for directions to the airport because, again, you don’t know its name
17. You understand plane etiquette and would never bring your McFish sandwich on board
18. You put headphones on and shove the wire into your pocket so the 29 year old chick next to you who’s being forced to move back home to mommy and not marry her suicidal fiancé doesn’t try to tell you that whole story… because that sounded like a long day!
19. The highlight of your day can be an early shuttle arrival, boarding that begins only 5 minutes late, or, the Cadillac of highlights, the email alert with your 1st class upgrade
20. You’ve ever considered doing a travel stand-up routine… but in airports and with your laptop case out for tips, not a guitar case
21. You’ll celebrate the day all airports segment security lines and you can breeze through “expert”... or at least in your elite, priority line!
22. You’ve ever gotten the urge to kick the back of the knee of the 1st person in the check-in line for the self kiosk because they won’t go to an open computer because there is no person there
23. You give the “REALLY?!” look to the jerk still on their cell as the plane is pushing back
24. You’ve ever had the urge to open the Emergency Exit door just to jump on the slide… then move away from the aircraft of course
25. You laugh at the people who stand directly in front of the belt where the bags come out and then have to mow people down to grab their bags because it’s just too close
26. You know to keep your ID and Boarding Pass with you to walk through security
27. You don’t get “bag checks” because you didn’t hear the man-robot repeating over and over again that your laptop goes in a bin on its own
28. You see more movies on planes now a days than in theaters
29. Your body never knows when to be hungry or awake because it switches time zones too frequently
30. You’re enamored by compact yet spacious travel gadgets and bags because they’re just so smart
31. You know how many preferred miles you get for a trip home, or to Denver, Dallas or Raleigh for that matter
32. You know that 2hrs at an airport before a flight is just a waste of life
33. You know where to find a Starbucks in every concourse of the airports you frequent
34. You keep your receipts on the rare personal trip and realize that later that it’s YOU who’s paying for that one
35. You can “express pay” for parking at lightning speed and still make it onto that 1st elevator up to your car with the amateurs who will pay at the exit
36. You know which airports have free WiFi and when to bring a book
37. You’ve ever reminded yourself that you have a logo on when there’s a kid SCREAMING behind you
38. You now see lost luggage as an opportunity to shop and you’ve mastered what you need to purchase… you keep your cell charger in your carryon anyway, so there’s that
39. You know that EWR is Newark, YYZ is Toronto and ORD is Chicago but have NO idea what FICA stands for
40. You know when to walk on the far side of the concourse hallway to avoid having to lie to those Master Card people again about already having both their business and their personal card
41. Free flight offers from credit card companies aren’t motivating because you have plenty of your own miles and rarely even use those… but wait, will it count as preferred miles?!
42. You want to page yourself to the paging assistance location just to hear robot lady say your name
43. You know that B or E on your seat assignment is the truest test of travel patience
44. You question your sanity in paying rent for an awesome apartment you rarely get to sleep in and leasing a car that lives at East Economy (Garage B, Level 4, Row D)
45. You know that 98.3 and 97.5 stop tuning in once you’re on the 202 approaching PHX
46. Without being told, you know to initial the 3 spaces to deny all coverage and the space to show you did the walk-around looking for scratches through the paint of at least 5 inches at Enterprise
47. You measure time in miles accumulated and know how many more miles you need to reach your next level of elite status
48. You’ve ever taken time to calculate how many more trips and which destinations will help you raise your elite status
49. You’ve been all over the country but all you’ve seen are gyms, hotels and different Chili’s
50. You keep telling yourself that it’s great to travel this much but you WILL STOP if the TSA guards ever learn your name!

Ahh… you’ve arrived!  Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to (insert city here) where the local time is approximately (#).  Please remain seated with your carryon’s stowed until we are safely parked at the gate and the captain has turned off the fasten seatbelt sign indicating that it’s safe to move about the cabin.  Thank you for flying with us tonight and we look forward to seeing you on a future flight.  Welcome to (city)!

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