Sunday, October 18, 2015

It comes in waves...

They say “time heals all wounds”.  Anyone who believes that has never lost a piece of their heart…

Don’t get me wrong; in a lot of cases, that’s completely true.  Over time, some wounds heal themselves simply by life continuing to be lived.  There are other wounds, however, that can’t ever fully “heal”; losing someone who was once a piece of your heart definitely falls into that category.  How the loss happens is irrelevant.  The void and pain are the same.  No matter how much time has passed, it comes in waves and is never quite “okay” or something you’ve “accepted”.  It simply becomes how it is and you learn to live and breathe around the pain.

I’m not usually a morbid, depressing person.  I’m writing this in the middle of what I very-unaffectionately call “Hell Week”.  It starts on October 16th and ends around the 24th.  I was 16 in 1998 when my father died very suddenly on the 19th.  I was 24 in 2006 when my grandmother (my dad’s mom) lost her very abrupt, devastating battle with Pancreatic Cancer on the 22nd.  (She was diagnosed right before Labor Day of that same year and had been seemingly perfectly healthy up until then.)  All of the dates immediately surrounding those two days are filled with nothing but awful, heartbreaking, soul shattering memories that are burned into my brain and heart.  It’s nearly impossible to not be smacked in the face with that every year…

Holidays can hurt.  Birthdays can hurt.  Family events and milestones can hurt.  But the difference with each of those things compared to an anniversary is that they’re filled with years of good, happy memories with the person you lost.  An anniversary only serves to represent losing them and those unbearable, surreal first moments of life without them by your side.  No matter how much time has passed, those aren’t days you can easily forget…

If you’ve done the math, you’ll realize that this week marks my father’s 17th anniversary and my grandmother’s 9th.  …this isn’t my first rodeo.  There have been a good handful of years in there when each of these dates came and went with not much more than a moment of solemn acknowledgement.  There are other years when this week has been just as debilitating and incapacitating as when it was first happening.  This year it’s much closer to the latter.  There apparently isn’t any rhyme or reason to it.

This year in particular, I have a pretty good idea as to why it’s harder than other years have been… there are two reasons: one is a very happy reason, and the second is a very upsetting reason. 

Reason 1: I’m getting married in April!  I’ve waited my whole adult life to say those words.  Finding my true north and the person whom I truly believe was always destined to be my wife, has been the single most gratifying, life-affirming experience of my life.  I even have it on good authority that my 3 most important guardian angels (my grandfather joined the ranks in March of 2014) put us on this path to each other.  I feel their guidance and love almost as much as when they were physically here with me.  The happiest of moments, however, can also bring the saddest of feelings because they are when you desperately want them to experience it with you.  Planning for such a huge life moment and being overwhelmed with sheer happiness brings a keen awareness to their absence.

Reason 2: …isn’t really mine to share, but it’s about one of my absolute closest family members.  A huge, scary moment will happen in his life this week and it absolutely kills me that they weren’t here to be a direct guide over the years.  I can’t say for sure it would have mattered; we are all adults and choose our own individual paths.  I’d like to think that my father in particular could have played a key role in steering this path.  I take a lot of solace, however, in the fact that this event is happening on the 22nd – my grandmother’s anniversary.  I truly believe that’s her way of letting us all know that she is on it and will guide and keep him safe during this chapter.

…so I happen to have reasons this year to feel the loss more than I may have otherwise.  But take it from me, you don’t ever need to identify a “reason” to feel broken by a loss, no matter how much time has passed.  There is no expiration on grief.  There is no right way to handle it, or right time during which to “get over it”.  It permanently changes a piece of you and it’s perfectly acceptable to acknowledge that in any way that feels right to YOU personally.

Life is not a fairy tale…  Time does not heal all wounds…  But there are ways to grieve that will make you feel that you’ve honored the person and your relationship… and no one gets to dictate that for you… ride the waves.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

An Open Letter to those struggling with Target's toy decision...

Like most middle-class, American women, Target is one of my happy places.  There's a million reasons this is true, and there are plenty of posts by other bloggers expressing the feelings we all share about Target.  My loyalty to and love for Target grew exponentially with one simple decision; they are removing gender labels from the toy aisles.  If you haven't heard about this yet, get a quick update here.

Decisions like this make my heart happy.  Why should our children feel like they are confined to a certain type of toy or color of toy simply because of their biology?  Don't we want our girls to explore their inner engineers and have building toys that construct more than a pink castle?  Don't we want our boys to find their inner nurturer and have a doll to tend to?  Why would we want to perpetuate a society in which girls take care of babies and boys become scientists and "playmate Dads", but with no crossover?  Those little mindsets turn into HUGE societal mindsets: girls should stay home with their baby after giving birth, and boys can be the CEOs and play with their kids on weekends.

For those against this decision, that seems like an illogical jump and a gross over-exaggeration.  I mean, generations worth of children have survived childhood with gender designated toys and they "turned out just fine", right?  Wrong.  If that were true, we wouldn't still be battling with gender inequality, the negative stigma that is associated with stay-at-home-dads (and even stay-at-home-moms, for that matter!), women who hold high positions wouldn't be coined as "bitchy" when a man in the same position would be coined as "strong", it wouldn't be called "babysitting" when a father is PARENTING on his own...

Growing up in a society that continually sends subliminal messages about gender roles IS dangerous and detrimental to the future.  The good news is, we CAN do something about it.  As a highly educated American, a woman, a department Director, a mother, and a lesbian, I COMPLETELY support this decision and cannot WAIT to see the ripple effect!

Regardless of how I feel, however, I recognize that there are still people who don't share that opinion.  You are entitled to your opinion; I invite you to open your mind for a few minutes and consider the alternative...

My best guess is that those "outraged" by this decision who are promising to boycott Target (good luck), are straight cis men and women.  That means your gender matches your biological sex, and you consider yourself heterosexual.  I'm not making a judgment or trying to define a stereotype, but I can tell you from personal experience, that if you fit that description and are against this decision, that description is probably playing a huge role in why you feel that way.  (Important Note: I am CONFIDENT that there are hetero cis men and women who DO support this decision; I'm simply implying that those who do not support it, likely fit in that category as well.  Allow me to explain...)

Heterosexuals who also identify as their biological sex often take the social cues in the world for granted.  Everywhere you look, you see things you personally relate to.  Those of us who don't fit cleanly into a previously defined box of expectations, don't have the benefit of seeing reflections of ourselves on a daily basis and that IS damaging.

For the MOST part (and I do mean MOST), the messages in society match YOU...
    ...couples on TV are straight
    ...women wear dresses and smile a lot wear suits and have powerful jobs propose to women
    ...women want and have children go right back to work after a baby is born
    ...women stay home and take maternity leave with their newborn
    ...women take their husband's last name are expected to be the primary provider for their family

    ...this list goes on and on...

I'm not saying that each of you fit each of those descriptions.  I'm saying that most of society agrees with those "norms" and lives by them... because those are the messages lurking in every corner of society.

Here is my personal example of how impactful those seemingly little messages can be...

I grew up in an Italian Catholic family.  I also grew up in NY where people are more accepting, progressive and open-minded.  I was about 8 years old when I realized that all of my crushes on TV and in movies were girls.  (Mind you, I was *8*.  There was NOT a sexual component to those childhood crushes.  I felt drawn to them and enamored by them, the way young kids do.)  It was also around that time that I became painfully aware that none of my friends felt that way, and I started to realize that I must be "wrong".  I couldn't find examples anywhere of other girls who felt like I did.  Everywhere I turned, girls and boys liked each other.  I may not have consciously processed that when I was 8, but I vividly recall feeling like it was something I needed to keep to myself.  So I did.

As I got a little older and my crushes got more intense, I had this fear of someone finding me out.  I paid attention to who the other girls liked and picked boys that fit the classically good looking description (like Toby from Baywatch, JTT and Andrew Keegan), and decided to make myself crush them instead.  (Having an obsessive personality, this was easier to do than I would have thought, but it still wasn't "right".)  Once I had enough pinups of boys plastered on my walls, I'd pick one or two of the REAL crushes I couldn't get out of my head (insert Kimberly the Pink Power Ranger -- Amy Jo Johnson, or Topanga aka Danielle Fishel) and hang them up too.  I mean, there were enough boys up there that no one would suspect I "liked" the girls that way, right?  Sadly, yes, that was right.

The even sadder part is, deep down inside, I truly believed my family loved me and would accept me if I ever shared my secret... but I didn't want to take that risk.  My childhood and teenage years were hard enough; if I admitted that I was a lesbian, I was also accepting that everything about my life from that point forward would be harder than it was for anyone else.  That infuriated me and seemed SO unfair!  But it also solidified what society was already secretly telling me: how I felt was wrong so I should stop feeling that way.  ...believe me when I tell you, take the challenges I already had in life (see link above), add the emotional rollercoaster of adolescence, and throw the HEAPING pressure of self-loathing on top of it and, frankly, it's miraculous I survived those years.  Seriously.

I played the straight game VERY well.  Sure, I fit some stereotypes in that I was always a Tom Boy.  But I'm also girly.  I was always just as excited to sweat it up playing sports, take my brother's Hot Wheels and build intricate ramps, and beg to play Mortal Kombat, as I was to pick out a new dress, let my mom do my hair, and wear pretty accessories and shoes.  I made it a point to always talk about guys "I liked", and to show my interest in being just like Samantha Jones.  (Even though I was WAY more interested IN Samantha Jones.)  I actively dated guys and made sure that was a well-known fact.  I even joked about my interest in "becoming" a lesbian when guys were being ridiculous.  I was in serious relationships with men to the point that *3* different guys, upon breaking up with them, told me they were already ring shopping.  (I'm sorry, guys. :(  I had genuinely convinced myself that "I could be happy with this nice guy who loves me" until I realized I couldn't.)

In the middle of all this chaos, society started to shift... marriage equality jumped to the forefront of the judicial world, more and more TV shows and movies were portraying same-sex couples as NORMAL people (thank YOU Shonda Rhimes! #seriously) who happened to prefer their own gender.  It became a conversation.  It became acceptable (to most).  It became commonplace.  Sure, there were still negatives associated with it and ignorant people who are still talking about "Adam and Steve", but as a whole, it wasn't an anomaly anymore.  The evolved FAR out weighed the ignorant.  I started telling myself that it was time and looked for validation of that instinct everywhere... I had to take the leap and trust in the people I love to still love me anyway - and (with the sad exception of one "friend") they did.

After 23 years of keeping my secret, I stopped.  I am now FINALLY my true-self.  I have never been happier for a second of my LIFE, until I stepped out of that proverbial closet and owned who I really am.

If society didn't shift, I'm not sure if my courage would have either.

That brings us full-circle... let kids be KIDS.  STOP sending messages that confine them to little, archaic boxes of what it means to be a kid, or a boy, or a girl.  Let them just BE.  Let them find their own interests and passions without the suggestion of what they "should" like because of the genitals they happen to possess.  Let boys develop an interest in cooking sets and dolls so they can find they have a calling as a Chef or father.  Let girls discover their inner superheroes and architects.  Let them do that without feeling like they are different or strange because they prefer "the boy's/girl's" toy.  Remove the unnecessary stigmas.  If you love and support them, they will turn into powerful grownup versions of THEMSELVES, and they will be a MILLION times happier and more secure in life because of it.  Besides, you can't ever succeed in MAKING a person be anything -- straight, gay, transgender, or purple.  Everyone is who they are and that should be nurtured, not judged and shaped.  So, listen to the Beatles: Let It BE!

Having a gender-free selection of toys could NEVER "turn" a child gay, or result in them questioning their gender identity -- and that is NOT what this is about.  They don't need an aisle to be labeled by their gender to find their way in the world.  It certainly will NOT hurt *anyone* to remove said label, but it can do a lot of damage to not.

Be part of the evolving world which is centered on acceptance (*not* the passive aggressive, bigoted "tolerance") and help our society progress.  There is no downside to letting people be who they are and feel secure in that... they will only contribute greater things to the world as their confidence and self-esteem will encourage.