They say “time heals all wounds”.
Anyone who believes that
has never lost a piece of their heart…
Don’t
get me wrong; in a lot of cases, that’s completely true. Over time, some wounds heal themselves simply
by life continuing to be lived. There
are other wounds, however, that can’t ever fully “heal”; losing someone who was
once a piece of your heart definitely falls into that category. How the loss happens is irrelevant. The void and pain are the same. No matter how much time has passed, it comes in waves and is never quite “okay”
or something you’ve “accepted”. It
simply becomes how it is and you learn to live and breathe around the pain.
I’m
not usually a morbid, depressing person.
I’m writing this in the middle of what I very-unaffectionately call “Hell
Week”. It starts on October 16th
and ends around the 24th. I
was 16 in 1998 when my father died very suddenly on the 19th. I was 24 in 2006 when my grandmother (my dad’s
mom) lost her very abrupt, devastating battle with Pancreatic Cancer on the 22nd. (She was diagnosed right before Labor Day of
that same year and had been seemingly perfectly healthy up until then.) All of the dates immediately surrounding
those two days are filled with nothing but awful, heartbreaking, soul
shattering memories that are burned into my brain and heart. It’s nearly impossible to not be smacked in
the face with that every year…
Holidays
can hurt. Birthdays can hurt. Family events and milestones can hurt. But the difference with each of those things
compared to an anniversary is that they’re filled with years of good, happy
memories with the person you lost. An
anniversary only serves to represent losing them and those unbearable, surreal
first moments of life without them by your side. No matter how much time has passed, those
aren’t days you can easily forget…
If
you’ve done the math, you’ll realize that this week marks my father’s 17th
anniversary and my grandmother’s 9th. …this isn’t my first rodeo. There have been a good handful of years in
there when each of these dates came and went with not much more than a moment
of solemn acknowledgement. There are
other years when this week has been just as debilitating and incapacitating as
when it was first happening. This year
it’s much closer to the latter. There
apparently isn’t any rhyme or reason to it.
This
year in particular, I have a pretty good idea as to why it’s harder than other
years have been… there are two reasons: one is a very happy reason, and the
second is a very upsetting reason.
Reason 1: I’m getting married
in April! I’ve waited my whole adult
life to say those words. Finding my true
north and the person whom I truly believe was always destined to be my wife,
has been the single most gratifying, life-affirming experience of my life. I even have it on good authority that my 3
most important guardian angels (my grandfather joined the ranks in March of
2014) put us on this path to each other.
I feel their guidance and love almost as much as when they were
physically here with me. The happiest of
moments, however, can also bring the saddest of feelings because they are when
you desperately want them to experience it with you. Planning for such a huge life moment and
being overwhelmed with sheer happiness brings a keen awareness to their
absence.
Reason 2: …isn’t really mine
to share, but it’s about one of my absolute closest family members. A huge, scary moment will happen in his life
this week and it absolutely kills me that they weren’t here to be a direct
guide over the years. I can’t say for
sure it would have mattered; we are all adults and choose our own individual
paths. I’d like to think that my father
in particular could have played a key role in steering this path. I take a lot of solace, however, in the fact
that this event is happening on the 22nd – my grandmother’s
anniversary. I truly believe that’s her
way of letting us all know that she is on it and will guide and keep him safe
during this chapter.
…so
I happen to have reasons this year to feel the loss more than I may have
otherwise. But take it from me, you don’t
ever need to identify a “reason” to feel broken by a loss, no matter how much
time has passed. There is no expiration
on grief. There is no right way to
handle it, or right time during which to “get over it”. It permanently changes a piece of you and it’s
perfectly acceptable to acknowledge that in any way that feels right to YOU
personally.
Life
is not a fairy tale… Time does not
heal all wounds… But there are ways to
grieve that will make you feel that you’ve honored the person and your
relationship… and no one gets to dictate that for you… ride the waves.
