Here we are again...

...an unstable, known-threat, legally obtained an AR-15 and took the lives of *49* innocent Americans because he wanted to and he had the power to.   Most of the country (and world) is saddened by the significant, senseless loss of life.  Those same people are almost all angry too, because these same things keep happening and all we do is "pray and send love and strength" which, frankly, does absolutely f*****g nothing for the people who died, lost a loved one, or the ones we will inevitably lose in the next mass shooting.  

People are scared and, sadly, have every reason to be.  We are supposed to be the land of the FREE and the home of the BRAVE.  How free and brave can one be when any angry, misled psychopath can obtain an object that is ONLY designed to kill (and to kill many - *quickly*) and nothing is ever done to prevent it?

Every single one of these mind-numbingly infuriating, heart-breaking events has a ripple effect far beyond just that moment, or that city, or those loved ones.  Every single one of those events embeds itself in our psyche and changes the world... not for the better.

I grew up in New York.  That means I was raised on cultural diversity and acceptance (not the patronizing "tolerance", but true acceptance) before it was "politically correct".  In turn, I mistakenly assumed that other human beings have the same outlook.  That they are happy to let you live your life by whatever means suit you, as long as your life isn't having a direct negative impact on their life, and we can all happily co-exist.  That is most certainly not the case.  There are many close-minded, hateful, ignorant people in our world.  Thanks to the internet creating an endless platform by which group polarization is perpetuated, and a certain Presidential hopeful making hate speech and discrimination more mainstream and "acceptable" than any other time in this Millennium, other well-meaning and genuinely good Americans need to constantly be on the defensive.

While not dismissing the impact and sadness of other similar tragedies, especially Sandy Hook, the events in Orlando hit particularly close to home.  In addition to my NY roots, I'm also a Lesbian.  Many have tried to dismiss the fact that the attack happened at an LGBT Club.  Most of those people are well-meaning in their effort to remove labels and stigmas, but well-meaning or not, it's an important fact in this particular massacre.  A specific group of people was targeted and a place they considered safe and fun was transformed into a place of terror and murder.

It IS important that this horrific massacre specifically targeted LGBT people.

I am happily married to the greatest person I've ever known.  We live out our fairy-tale-like love every day, while raising our incredible daughter, and succeeding in rewarding careers.  We cook and meal prep, food shop, clean our house, complain about working out, take family vacations, go on dates, endlessly dissect our daughter's future and well-being, plan for our future as a couple and as a family, binge watch Netflix, bicker and argue, communicate openly, follow Mom Blogs, get our nails done, and drive SUVs.  We are a normal, happy, healthy, functioning couple and family like anyone else.  We also live in one of the most archaic states in our country: Arizona, with the hopes of one day moving close to my wife's family in Florida.  That means, in either case of where we live, it is much more likely that we will encounter day-to-day discrimination, or even life-threatening discrimination.  The fact that LGBT people were targeted, IS an important fact.

As it is, we often get glares or catch people staring if we have our arms around each other, leaning into each other patiently waiting for the Target cashier.  We catch people staring when they catch us whispering "I love yous".  We have to clarify for just about every server that one check is sufficient.  We constantly answer the inevitable question with "we're both her mom".  We have to justify and legitimize ourselves every day.  

As much as the most conservative people in our country disagree, the homosexual lifestyle is certainly not "everywhere" or “shoved down (anyone’s) throat”.  I am grateful for the fact that it IS becoming part of mainstream culture and finds new ways to be "commonplace" every day.  (I wrote a whole blog on the impact of that societal construct here, if you're interested.)  But the fact remains that it is still not normalized and hate is a common, tangible reaction. It's something we face almost daily.  The fact that LGBT people were targeted, IS an important fact.

In most instances, I don't mind answering the questions or responding to the glare with a smile.  Yes, it gets old and tiresome because we want to just BE, like everyone else.  We are also happy to do our part to normalize our lifestyle, expand horizons, and help people see that we're just another family.  We politely answer questions, and smile while we explain -- especially when it's to the kids in our daughter's class who were at first confused at us "BOTH being (her) mom".  (Which, for the record, was immediately followed with "I'm not making fun of (her).  I think that's AWESOME!  I only have 1 mom".)   I don't mind educating and impacting.  I do mind when it has an actual potential to completely destroy our family...

At any moment, we could encounter one of these unstable crazy guys who has a semi-automatic rifle strapped to his back while we're holding hands in line at the grocery store, and he can decide to take matters -- and our lives -- into his own hands.  We could be getting back into our car at school pick-up and have someone take one of our lives.  We could be followed by an armed stranger if they catch us kissing at a stop light and be shot at the next opportunity.  We could be widowed or orphan our daughter with a moment's notice because precautions aren't put into place, and our lifestyle hasn't been normalized.  

Don't sit there and think that I'm blowing this out of proportion.  I assure you, I most certainly am NOT.  We have actually seen "men" in common places like grocery stores, the park, and Pet Smart strapped like they're off to war.  Hate Crimes happen every. day. and nothing is being done to stop this madness.  It's unsettling and terrifying to say the least.

Our society is still not completely open to normalizing LGBT people.  Even people who claim to “not care” or are in support of marriage equality, have something to say about “enough (being) enough”, and that networks and shows are being “too political” when they reveal a character to be LGBT, or to stop trying to “shove it down everyone’s throats”, or that they still don’t need “to see it”, or grandly claiming that we have an agenda to try to make others gay and corrupt children.  (That’s ridiculous and well outside the scope of this post.  But ridiculous to say the least… just ask my completely straight parents who raised me, and all of the kids in our life who innately understand love is love.)  The fact that LGBT people were targeted, IS an important fact.  The fact that the LGBT lifestyle is far from normalized is an important, related fact.

There needs to be more representation of LGBT people in mainstream media for ALL AGES and in ALL GENRES.  Society in general needs to rip the bandaid and remove the stigma.  People need to see themselves represented in a multitude of ways; they need to learn about and respect differences in others.  THIS is the type of trickle-down system that improves society.  There are so many ways to make this happen… 

…perhaps Disney decides to #GiveElsaAGirlfriend*** or have an LGBT character as a major role in a future animated film. 

…adults speaking in non-gender specific terms when talking to kids/teens about people they have a crush on or may one day marry. 

…comfortably using the words lesbian, gay, bi and trans without feeling the need to whisper.  (It’s okay for your kids to accurately use them in conversation as well, when it’s not intended to be derogatory or offensive.)

…removing qualifying terms from things that are not orientation-specific (i.e.: it’s just MARRIAGE, not “GAY marriage”), and help others in doing the same.

…honestly and simply discussing love and differences in family structure with kids of all ages.  (Here’s how we educate our daughter: “You are allowed to marry anyone you want as long as you love each other and are good to each other” and “Every family is different in who their parents are, how many they have, and who they live with – but they all have love”.  Done and done.)

…including sexual orientation in high school health classes.

…showcasing same sex couples and families in ads for whatever product.

…stopping bullying or shaming in its tracks.

This list can go on and on – and it should.  It needs to.  The fact that LGBT people were targeted, IS an important fact.  Normalizing the existence of LGBT people is necessary.

Who knows what would have happened if that man was inundated with a variety of definitions of what “normal” is from childhood?  Imagine if he had completely open-minded parents who spoke honestly and sincerely about people of all backgrounds and lifestyles.  Imagine if those thoughts were layered with societal messages in every form of media, education, and conversation throughout his life.  In America, this SHOULD be the case… or we are not truly brave or free.

People don’t yet have that benefit.  Society failed us with their lack of messages and education.  Society failed us with their lack of health care.  Society failed us with lenient laws that didn’t flag him when purchasing a deadly weapons.  …then he failed society by acting on his evil ways and lack of informed, loving humanity. 

To be clear, I am in NO WAY taking the blame off of him.  My 6-year-old will be the first to tell you that I am a FIRM believer that you and YOU ALONE are responsible for your choices and have to deal with your consequences.  No one can make the right choice for you, and no one should have to suffer consequences at your hand. 

HE is the reason those people are dead.  HE is the reason fear is in the heart of so many.  HE is the reason people feel unsafe and vulnerable.

I am certainly not one to run from a challenge or cower in fear.  I am sad to admit that I debated doing just that after learning about Orlando.  I questioned if WE were being irresponsible with our lives and family by being ourselves in public.  I questioned if WE need to choose a different place to live where we would be widely accepted and blend in.  I questioned if WE would be denied our right and dream of living a happy, full, safe, VERY LONG life together.  ...and I found myself at a loss of how to fix it.

I went about my day in a daze trying to sort this out.  It appeared in my "dreams" last night.  It was first on my mind this morning. Then it came out FULL FORCE when I channeled all my fear, anger and sadness into my gloved fists at my boxing class and had that heavy bag jumping on its clasp.

No ONE gets to take my feeling of security.  No ONE gets to take away from our happy family.  I refuse to allow that environment to exist in a world in which we live and are raising a family.

I got in the car with my family a few hours later to start our daily commute of drop-off and work.  My wife started the car and our song was on... the song that I was listening to when my emotions and love for her came crashing together years ago.  The song that she had playing at the end of the romantic, perfect proposal she planned the night we got engaged.  The song we danced barefoot on our beach to when we said our vows in Hawaii earlier this year.  The song that has filled me with such emotion and happiness that I've questioned if I was ever happy for a moment before then.

This blog began composing itself at that moment... with my wife's hand in mine, listening to our daughter sing-along in the backseat, watching the traffic ebb and flow, I decided I was ready to put "pen to paper" and hopefully open at least one person's mind.  Hopefully impact at least one person who was previously close-minded and tried to isolate themselves from the reality of how diverse and incredible people are.  ...and feel validated and heard and supported by my anonymous internet friends who are also looking for something on which to grasp in the aftermath of such sadness...

Society needs to do better.  People need to do better.  Love should ALWAYS be the driver.

The (colloquial) definition of insanity is to repeat the same behavior and expect a different result.

As long as our laws stay as is, this is our society.

As long as we glorify hateful people (AHEM Trump), this is our society.

As long as we continue to see mainstream inclusion of all types of people/families as negative and fight it off as a political move, this is our society.

STOP already.

Stop saying we don't have a gun problem and using your INACCURATE interpretation of the 2nd Amendment as a defense.

Stop supporting people who spew nothing but hate and an ANTI AMERICAN culture.

Stop trying to invalidate love and stigmatize families (especially when doing it “in the name of protecting your children).

Stop thinking about what YOU want for your tiny little life in this moment and think about the BIG PICTURE.

Imagine what our world could be if we didn't stop thinking at the tip of our nose, put love and people first, and actually thought about others.

Just STOP already… be HUMAN… and maybe we won’t be here again.

***FYI: If you comment on this blog and start talking about sexualizing movies for children with regards to having LGBT characters featured, I WILL delete it and not reply.  There is no room for that complete and utter bullsh!t here.  If you don’t see Cinderella and Prince Charming as sexual and inappropriate, than this shouldn’t be either.  Side note: I personally find a lot of Princess stories creepy and concerning if you break them down.  The ones made in this Century are the most comforting, frankly.  No stalking, Stockholm Syndrome, kissing unconscious people… ya know, that actual inappropriate stuff.

An Open Letter to those struggling with Target's toy decision...

Like most middle-class, American women, Target is one of my happy places.  There's a million reasons this is true, and there are plenty of posts by other bloggers expressing the feelings we all share about Target.  My loyalty to and love for Target grew exponentially with one simple decision; they are removing gender labels from the toy aisles.  If you haven't heard about this yet, get a quick update here.

Decisions like this make my heart happy.  Why should our children feel like they are confined to a certain type of toy or color of toy simply because of their biology?  Don't we want our girls to explore their inner engineers and have building toys that construct more than a pink castle?  Don't we want our boys to find their inner nurturer and have a doll to tend to?  Why would we want to perpetuate a society in which girls take care of babies and boys become scientists and "playmate Dads", but with no crossover?  Those little mindsets turn into HUGE societal mindsets: girls should stay home with their baby after giving birth, and boys can be the CEOs and play with their kids on weekends.

For those against this decision, that seems like an illogical jump and a gross over-exaggeration.  I mean, generations worth of children have survived childhood with gender designated toys and they "turned out just fine", right?  Wrong.  If that were true, we wouldn't still be battling with gender inequality, the negative stigma that is associated with stay-at-home-dads (and even stay-at-home-moms, for that matter!), women who hold high positions wouldn't be coined as "bitchy" when a man in the same position would be coined as "strong", it wouldn't be called "babysitting" when a father is PARENTING on his own...

Growing up in a society that continually sends subliminal messages about gender roles IS dangerous and detrimental to the future.  The good news is, we CAN do something about it.  As a highly educated American, a woman, a department Director, a mother, and a lesbian, I COMPLETELY support this decision and cannot WAIT to see the ripple effect!

Regardless of how I feel, however, I recognize that there are still people who don't share that opinion.  You are entitled to your opinion; I invite you to open your mind for a few minutes and consider the alternative...

My best guess is that those "outraged" by this decision who are promising to boycott Target (good luck), are straight cis men and women.  That means your gender matches your biological sex, and you consider yourself heterosexual.  I'm not making a judgment or trying to define a stereotype, but I can tell you from personal experience, that if you fit that description and are against this decision, that description is probably playing a huge role in why you feel that way.  (Important Note: I am CONFIDENT that there are hetero cis men and women who DO support this decision; I'm simply implying that those who do not support it, likely fit in that category as well.  Allow me to explain...)

Heterosexuals who also identify as their biological sex often take the social cues in the world for granted.  Everywhere you look, you see things you personally relate to.  Those of us who don't fit cleanly into a previously defined box of expectations, don't have the benefit of seeing reflections of ourselves on a daily basis and that IS damaging.

For the MOST part (and I do mean MOST), the messages in society match YOU...
    ...couples on TV are straight
    ...women wear dresses and smile a lot
    ...men wear suits and have powerful jobs
    ...men propose to women
    ...women want and have children
    ...men go right back to work after a baby is born
    ...women stay home and take maternity leave with their newborn
    ...women take their husband's last name
    ...men are expected to be the primary provider for their family

    ...this list goes on and on...

I'm not saying that each of you fit each of those descriptions.  I'm saying that most of society agrees with those "norms" and lives by them... because those are the messages lurking in every corner of society.

Here is my personal example of how impactful those seemingly little messages can be...

I grew up in an Italian Catholic family.  I also grew up in NY where people are more accepting, progressive and open-minded.  I was about 8 years old when I realized that all of my crushes on TV and in movies were girls.  (Mind you, I was *8*.  There was NOT a sexual component to those childhood crushes.  I felt drawn to them and enamored by them, the way young kids do.)  It was also around that time that I became painfully aware that none of my friends felt that way, and I started to realize that I must be "wrong".  I couldn't find examples anywhere of other girls who felt like I did.  Everywhere I turned, girls and boys liked each other.  I may not have consciously processed that when I was 8, but I vividly recall feeling like it was something I needed to keep to myself.  So I did.

As I got a little older and my crushes got more intense, I had this fear of someone finding me out.  I paid attention to who the other girls liked and picked boys that fit the classically good looking description (like Toby from Baywatch, JTT and Andrew Keegan), and decided to make myself crush them instead.  (Having an obsessive personality, this was easier to do than I would have thought, but it still wasn't "right".)  Once I had enough pinups of boys plastered on my walls, I'd pick one or two of the REAL crushes I couldn't get out of my head (insert Kimberly the Pink Power Ranger -- Amy Jo Johnson, or Topanga aka Danielle Fishel) and hang them up too.  I mean, there were enough boys up there that no one would suspect I "liked" the girls that way, right?  Sadly, yes, that was right.

The even sadder part is, deep down inside, I truly believed my family loved me and would accept me if I ever shared my secret... but I didn't want to take that risk.  My childhood and teenage years were hard enough; if I admitted that I was a lesbian, I was also accepting that everything about my life from that point forward would be harder than it was for anyone else.  That infuriated me and seemed SO unfair!  But it also solidified what society was already secretly telling me: how I felt was wrong so I should stop feeling that way.  ...believe me when I tell you, take the challenges I already had in life (see link above), add the emotional rollercoaster of adolescence, and throw the HEAPING pressure of self-loathing on top of it and, frankly, it's miraculous I survived those years.  Seriously.

I played the straight game VERY well.  Sure, I fit some stereotypes in that I was always a Tom Boy.  But I'm also girly.  I was always just as excited to sweat it up playing sports, take my brother's Hot Wheels and build intricate ramps, and beg to play Mortal Kombat, as I was to pick out a new dress, let my mom do my hair, and wear pretty accessories and shoes.  I made it a point to always talk about guys "I liked", and to show my interest in being just like Samantha Jones.  (Even though I was WAY more interested IN Samantha Jones.)  I actively dated guys and made sure that was a well-known fact.  I even joked about my interest in "becoming" a lesbian when guys were being ridiculous.  I was in serious relationships with men to the point that *3* different guys, upon breaking up with them, told me they were already ring shopping.  (I'm sorry, guys. :(  I had genuinely convinced myself that "I could be happy with this nice guy who loves me" until I realized I couldn't.)

In the middle of all this chaos, society started to shift... marriage equality jumped to the forefront of the judicial world, more and more TV shows and movies were portraying same-sex couples as NORMAL people (thank YOU Shonda Rhimes! #seriously) who happened to prefer their own gender.  It became a conversation.  It became acceptable (to most).  It became commonplace.  Sure, there were still negatives associated with it and ignorant people who are still talking about "Adam and Steve", but as a whole, it wasn't an anomaly anymore.  The evolved FAR out weighed the ignorant.  I started telling myself that it was time and looked for validation of that instinct everywhere... I had to take the leap and trust in the people I love to still love me anyway - and (with the sad exception of one "friend") they did.

After 23 years of keeping my secret, I stopped.  I am now FINALLY my true-self.  I have never been happier for a second of my LIFE, until I stepped out of that proverbial closet and owned who I really am.

If society didn't shift, I'm not sure if my courage would have either.

That brings us full-circle... let kids be KIDS.  STOP sending messages that confine them to little, archaic boxes of what it means to be a kid, or a boy, or a girl.  Let them just BE.  Let them find their own interests and passions without the suggestion of what they "should" like because of the genitals they happen to possess.  Let boys develop an interest in cooking sets and dolls so they can find they have a calling as a Chef or father.  Let girls discover their inner superheroes and architects.  Let them do that without feeling like they are different or strange because they prefer "the boy's/girl's" toy.  Remove the unnecessary stigmas.  If you love and support them, they will turn into powerful grownup versions of THEMSELVES, and they will be a MILLION times happier and more secure in life because of it.  Besides, you can't ever succeed in MAKING a person be anything -- straight, gay, transgender, or purple.  Everyone is who they are and that should be nurtured, not judged and shaped.  So, listen to the Beatles: Let It BE!

Having a gender-free selection of toys could NEVER "turn" a child gay, or result in them questioning their gender identity -- and that is NOT what this is about.  They don't need an aisle to be labeled by their gender to find their way in the world.  It certainly will NOT hurt *anyone* to remove said label, but it can do a lot of damage to not.

Be part of the evolving world which is centered on acceptance (*not* the passive aggressive, bigoted "tolerance") and help our society progress.  There is no downside to letting people be who they are and feel secure in that... they will only contribute greater things to the world as their confidence and self-esteem will encourage.

I AM a New Yorker!

I am certain that for the rest of my life I will remember where I was, how I felt, and being glued to the news for 37 hours on September 11th, 2011... I will never forget the first time I crossed a bridge and looked to my skyline in hopes that it wasn't true and that the towers would still be there and seeing smoke in their place.  I will always remember the oxymoron of heart break and simultaneous pride for our tenacity in seeing the light beams commemorating the WTC.  I will always cherish the days when everyone was a little more courteous to one another walking the streets... especially if you were below Canal.  I will always cringe at remembering the eerie silence surrounding every aspect of Ground Zero for almost a year afterward.  Above all, however, I will never forget what it felt like to show the world that New Yorkers can naturally pull together and put their heart into it when it counts.  I was never more proud to say that I am a New Yorker than I was after that experience.

Whether you lost a loved one, a part of your city, or a piece of your heart, that day will live in our hearts forever...

It's oddly comforting that I am in my true home this weekend on this monumental anniversary. (Though it's incredibly unsettling to be getting on planes.)  I am grateful to be in a city that will have moments of silence on the radio for all the specific times of that horrible day because my new home won't.  I am remembering... I will always be remembering... and I will always find comfort in this blog post.

Below you will find a poem that I cannot take credit for and unforunately don't know who wrote it.  It does an incredible job, however, of capturing that time and those emotions and is my favorite way of remembering.  <3 Never Forget <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am a New Yorker

I may not live in the five boroughs or on the Island or Upstate

I may live hundreds or thousands of miles away

Or I may live just over the GW Bridge

But I am a New Yorker

I am a New Yorker

Whatever took me out of New York:

Business, family or hating the cold did not take New York out of me.

My accent may have faded and my pace may have slowed

But I am a New Yorker

I am a New Yorker

I was raised on Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and Rockefeller Plaza,

The Yankees or the Mets

Jones Beach or Rye Beach or one of the beaches on the sound

I know that "THE END" means Montauk.

Because I am a New Yorker

I am a New Yorker

When I go on vacation, I never look up

Skyscrapers are something I take for granted

The Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty are part of me

Taxis and noise and subways and "get outa heah" don't rattle me

Because I am a New Yorker

I am a New Yorker

I was raised on cultural diversity before it was politically correct

I eat Greek food and Italian food, Jewish and Middle Eastern food and Chinese food

Because they are all American food to me.

I don't get mad when people speak other languages in my presence

Because my relatives got to this country via Ellis Island and chose to stay

They were New Yorkers

I am a New Yorker

People who have never been to New York have misunderstood me

My friends and family work in the industries, professions and businesses that benefit all Americans

My firefighters died trying to save New Yorkers and non-New Yorkers

They died trying to save Americans and non-Americans

Because they were New Yorkers.

I am a New Yorker

I feel the pain of my fellow New Yorkers

I mourn the loss of my beautiful city

I feel and dread that New York will never be the same

But then I remember:

I am a New Yorker

And New Yorkers have:

Tenacity, strength and courage way above the norm

Compassion and caring for our fellow citizens

Love and pride in our city, in our state, in our country

Intelligence, experience and education par excellence

Ability, dedication and energy above and beyond

Faith--no matter what religion we practice

Terrorists hit America in its heart

But America's heart still beats strong

Demolish the steel in our buildings, but it doesn't touch the steel in our souls

Hit us in the pocketbook; but we'll parlay what we have left into a fortune

End innocent lives leaving widows and orphans, but we'll take care of them

Because they are New Yorkers

Wherever we live, whatever we do, whoever we are

There are New Yorkers in every state and every city of this nation

We will not abandon our city

We will not abandon our brothers and sisters

We will not abandon the beauty, creativity and diversity that New York represents

Because we are New Yorkers

And we are proud to be New Yorkers

UNITED WE STAND – DIVIDED WE FALL

September 11^th ~ Always in Our Hearts